Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Due to recent events (having to create a new Facebook page) I've decided to start over and fresh. I think everyone deserves a fresh start every once in their life. It's a sign of maturity and growing up, saying goodbye to adolescence. My realization: I can't erase the past, I can't erase the mistakes that I made and I'm sorry won't change anything. I can only move on. People like to say that you can't change. They're wrong! You can change if you want to but you have to want it. I've learned that no matter how much you change and try to be a better person people will always judge you for the mistakes you made in the past. It shows their ignorance. But the thing is we can't live in the past - the past is the past so let it stay there. In order to move on and become a better person or the person your destined to be you must first let go of what it is that your holding onto and begin living for now live for the present, live for the future. After a week with my parents on my Spring Break I realized that that's what I have to do. You see May of 2011 I was diagnosed with ADHD. Apparently I've had it and suffered with it for years but we never knew. Since I've been diagnosed its been a blessing and a curse at the same time. I feel blessed because it means I'm not crazy there is something wrong with me, the way I think, the way I look at situations and the way I react to them. But it's a curse because it's a constant struggle; a constant battle within myself. My parents, obviously, they know of this constant battle but my friends, my school, my love of my life the man I want to spend my life with - unfortunately for them and for me they'll never completely truly understand how hard it is. And now because I'm taking the appropriate dosage for my ADHD because my doctor is a quack my disease is causing migraines and extremely bad anxiety. So now I have to take my normal vitamins that help my crappy immune system, my magic blue pill for my ADHD and an anxiety pill whenever I need it. I guess it doesn't help much that I'm going to an accelerated medical school where my terms are 8 weeks at a time; technically speaking I guess I've bitten off more than I can choose but I'm a Perez. We're too stubborn and hardheaded to quit. So since this a new term and I'm deciding to start over and fresh I also have a new attitude: I'm not going to stress out about things I cannot control because stress isn't healthy especially for me. I'm only going to worry about things I can control. I won't make promises I can't no matter how much I want to help; I can't help anyone if I can't help myself; someone once told me charity starts first at home. I've never wanted to be married and never thought I would and now I found someone I love more than life itself; that I can't wait to marry him and spend the rest of life with him - the new me says: and I will it'll happen when the time is right. I think I was having panic attacks because I finally found the perfectly imperfect guy and I don't want to lose it but I realize he loves me, he's not going anywhere despite his joking and teasing he'll always be there for me and support through thick and thin. School? Now that's a big issue. I think I'm just over stressed because for the first time in my life I have all A's and B's, I'm really serious about this and I actually really enjoy it - I don't want to fail but again I can't stress or worry about the unknown. I can only worry about now. I can only take one day at a time. I have to make myself understand that regardless of what life throws at me I need to make sure school always comes first because at the end of the day that's what I'm here - to better myself and my spouse because it's no longer about just me anymore. I have to make decisions suitable for myself and my future husband that won't cause us harm financially. It's only one income and that in itself is stressful. I hate seeing my love work so hard and can't wait till I'm able to contribute and ease some of the burden.